A horrible day:(

Heyloo :)
Well this place is going to be my notebook. Or rather, my dairy :) I don't really like writing on paper anymore cause I cant trust anyone around. Who knows who might read it. And over here, hopefully noone will know its me =]

Well, Im having a really hard time at the moment. Its just today. I bet today was the second most horrible fight that him and I have ever had. Oh and btw, this so called "HIM" of mine, is the person that I'm soooo deeply in love with. The person who has lifted me up when I was TOTALLY down. And who helped me walk the footsteps when I was unable to move a leg :) His the most amazing person that I've so far met. And I admire him ardently :) Theres both good and bad news about this person. Which one do you want to hear first? Hmm.. The bad? Thought so. Urrm..He HATES me from the PIT BOTTOM of his heart :( BUT the good news is that, his my boyfriend :D and still is, considering the number of times that he has dumped me. Sigh.

Well about today, I couldn't control myself one bit :( It was terrible. I swore at him as if his some unknown person to me. I feel terrible about it. I wont forgive myself for that. It was a horrible thing I did. C'mon, he was MY MOST loved one. Who could ever talk to your most beloved like that. Sigh. But his said worse. But that doesn't mean I have to right? I hope not to do that again. Insha Allah =]
But anyway, it started off while he was chatting with me from MSN. And i told him that one of his friends and him were the only one online from my ID. Its because of him that i use this new ID that iv made before but NEVER even touched it. I told him who was online just so that he would raise his trust upon me. Well, he just doesn't trust me because of my "past issues" that i hate to talk about. Sigh. Please don't ask me about it. If I ever remember it, I'll think of killing myself again. But thanks to God, I cant do that.
So anyway, he asked me if I wanted to switch to my other ID just so that I could chat with other people -.- I kinda got ticked off. Obviously. I mean.. ouch :( Besides, even if I get on that doesn't mean that I chat with others. I don't even bother. Its only him that I'm bothered to chat with. Sigh. Oh and you know what, the issue came out cause some girl who I thought was a friend (but actually isn't) has told him crap. She has like totally changed some stuff. Gosh. Maybe she seriously didn't like me being with Sadam. Hmm.. Cause once she told me that she was trying to set one of her friends with him. Cause Sadam was a close bud of her boyfriend and she thought it would be cool if 'her friend' and Sadam were hooked up. I was like :O and kinda got hurt. But hey, luckily it didn't happen right :) Insha Allah, God always makes things happen the good way =] and i know he put me and Sadam together for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. But God never tells us to breakup. That so aint a reason. Thats an excuse that humans come up with.
So anyway, he told me the story and the story was that, there was this day that she came to my place. and i had showed her my ex's pics. She also told him that I was chatting with a load of guys. Wtf! ok ok.. Thinking about this, my temper goes up :@
But, Imma tell you, althought you cant talk and have no way of helping me and nothing at all changes. Sigh. Atleast you hear me out. lol.
Yah so, this so called 'horrible person' came to my place many a time. About three times I persume. The first day she came, she was so inquisitive and that was the day that she asked me to show my ex's pics. I had NO CLUE which folder it was even. Cause i hate to look into it. And she pretty much begged, like indirectly saying that I'm useless that I can't show. So i searched for the folder and showed her the few pictures that were saved. And the thing is, that was NOT the time that I was going out with my precious boyfriend. This was the first time she came that i showed. and then it was all over. After that also she came. and maybe the second or third time she came, after she did, she told Sadam about the olden day story. Man this is so complicated. And now this is like a major big thing between us :( She created an unwanted fight. I'm sure there should be more twists that she had made in all the stories or whatever she has told him. Even lately, when she and her boyfriend were trying to split us up, she had changed a whole bunch of the stories in the past. I cant believe why Sadam's still falling for all that bull. HE doesn't believe a WORD I say :( But why?! Does she mean more to him than me? Hmm.. I've no clue. I could have gone about alot of things about him too.
Like recently, my friend told me that he chatted with her and had FLIRTED with her. It wasn't just a little. There wasn't a limit for it. It had gone too far. But when I asked Sadam, he said that it must have been his neighboor who visits him quite alot. I asked Zainab when it happened and she said three days ago. When i asked him, he said about four. It was quite a good answer. But not good enough to make me believe him because, apparently (lets say it was his neighboor) this guy knew malay, and couldn't differentiate zainab and zahara (and Sadam cant too) and said that he didn't see her at the basketball match and knows about the dancing competition and knows about MY FLAT ASS :O ok, now thats too much for just a 'neighboor' to know!
So yah, but still considering all this, I still try to make some part of my heart believe him. Sigh.

So yah, the big issue is still on. I don't really know what to do. All I know is that I've never lied or even tried to lie to Sadam. If he asks me something, then I tell him truthfully. I really love him with all my heart. And there's noone else for me. I just love him sooo much. I wish he ever understood that. And I wish he believed me. I really wish. But I guess, its my bad luck. Tough luck Ruby! Your just born unlucky. Its okay :( Some kind of good will happen right?

Anyway, Sadam and I are not in good terms. I'm really hurt to even talk to him. I'm seriously really really hurt. and I'm sure he is too. Well obviously he would be hurt, if he keeps listening to that BITCH! :@ Oh and do you know that, some day when I went to her place, she wanted to show me her ex. And she did, and shes like "Outta all my boyfriends he was the most goodlooking" and I was like "Urrm..okaaay." I felt so awkward :S I could be making those stuff a big thing and ruining her relationship. But dude, in my placement, I havn't done a crime :( I wasn't even going out with Sadam that time. AAAAaaahh! :( Why does she have to exaggerate so much! She just has to come inbetween me and Sadam. I always knew she had some sort oh hate in me. Well actually everyone does :(
So does Sadam :( It hurts so bad. But then, I'm soo in love with him, I want to give him whatever I can. And I've done all he wanted for me to change. But still, he tries to find faults in me. Maybe I'm just not good enough. Maybe oneday I should just leave. Maybe that's what he really wants. But he feels ashamed to say it cause it will hurt me. But he should tell me right :( He deserves so much better. I shouldn't have ever stepped into his life. I wonder why God made me come in. There ought to be a reason. But what is it? To ruin him more? Havn't I given him enough hell? Whatever I do noone in this world would appreciate. So then what am I supposed to do?
Maybe I'm just supposed to find my way out. But I cant leave him just like that. I wont. I'll find a way for this. I'll find a solution. But how?

and can you believe it, TODAY HE ADMITTED HE HATES ME! :'( :'( :'(
It hurts so bad to know that. I know he thinks exactly what everyone else does too. But I don't know why he backed me up. Why his still with me. Maybe he does love me. But a little. Sigh. I really don't know. God has to give me answers to these. All I know is that imma useless person. And I am damn sure of that. :(

Oh and tomorrow, we have math class. And I'm going. I've got a gift for Sadam. But you think I should give it? First of all, wanna know what it is? Its SCOOBY DOO :D
Well, i thought of giving it, cause, i got attracted to it :) It's pretty cute. And strong and handsome just like Sadam =] but at the same time, scared and shy :)
But the prob is, he doesn't like toy kinda stuff. I don't think he will like it :( But i got it just for him. I hope he likes it. But i hope he doesn't lie about liking it. Then its gonna hurt me bad. He should just tell me noh? :D
Hmm.. I don't think he will even talk to me. The thing is, both of us are stubborn. lol. and we wait for both of us to talk to each other. Like, I wait till he comes, and he waits till I do. lol. Eventually neither of us gets to talk.lol.
I don't know dear. But I badly want us to work out. I hope we do. Insha Allah =]

Anyways, Imma go sleep now. Really tired. I'm still sick. My heads jacked up! And I've got to have dinner too. Especially cause I'm sick. But the thing is cause of all this I can't eat. I can't eat when I'm upset :( But imma try. Otherwise Mummy will eat my head. Tgc hugs mwah. Thanks for listening to all my bull :) *hug*

Lots of Love,
Kaboom Krunch =]