Heey! Long time!

Hello page..

I know. It has been AGES that I havnt written blogged myself. I hope you have missed me.lol. So hiiiiii again :) and how were you? lol. It seems like years that I havnt got onto this. Wait. Huh? How am I? Well..How about if I say my heads messed up. Literally. Ok I dont really wanna talk about it. Huh? How is Sadam? Aaaahh!! :) He is fine insha Allah. Well, his not really happy you know. But Insha Allah I'll try and do my best to keep him happy. I really really really wish he could be happy wid me. He is in some sort of way. But on the side of the truth, his not. Anyway I'll tell you all about it some other time. My head hurts like hell man. And my back too. So I can't really sit here for long. I just came to visit you for a few minutes. Cause Sadam went to have dinner. And Im bored and waiting for him. Sooo.. Yeah.. Omg. I have a kitten. Shes the most beautiful kitten eveeeeeeeeerrr!! Its a girl btw :) I named her "PAW". She is really obedient Masha Allah. Right now shes sleeping on the rocking chair. Hehe.
Hey Im going ok. Will talk to you some other time. Yeah I know I wrote a very little today. But I dont feel like staying for long. I dont think Sadam is gonna come back online. =[ So its pointless me waiting here. Im going too okay?
Bye tgc hugx. Will update you wid everything next time :) Hugs

Lots of love,
Floating Water Boat

An everyday issue

Hiii.. How are yah? If your gonna be asking me the same question, then I'll have to say I'm not okay at all. I went to the doc today. We actually went to show the acne on my face. And he told me to lie on the bed. Then he told me to stick my tongue out. When I did, he looked in and said that I have kidney and liver problem :O and that obviously is due to lack of food and water. Few days back mummy too told me that I will have to suffer from sicknesses like that. And now I am witnessing it already, not even a week after that. The doc had some kind of small instrument that looks kinda like the instrument that is used to check pressure and sugar. The ear has all the nerves in the body. I mean, it goes from the ear flap, to the brain. So he places the detector on a nerve on the ear and tells whats wrong with me. He asked me if i have hair loss, back problem, lung or breathing problem such as asthma, knee pain, or even join pain, severe headache and blackouts such as migraine, and also said that I have an irregular menstrual cycle. The answer to all that is a yes. I have all of that :( He said the reason to all of this and to the acne problem too is because I have liver and kidney problem. He said that I have to be careful of sugar cause I will get it. My grandma has it too. But mummy doesnt. Which means it has skipped a generation and I will have it. He said to be careful. He also said to breathe lots of air and drink tonnes of water. Atleast three litres a day for a start. And also said that they are both free resources so to use them as much as possible :) Oh and he also said that I have so much of stress. Whether it was because of studies or boyfriend problems? :O I quickly answered "Studies!". MUMMY WAS RIGHT THERE! :S
When I came home, I was having an okay day. Me and mummy were going well, so were me and Sadam until the time when I was supposed to go out with mummy but I stayed back saying that I cant go cause I'm tired.But the real reason was because I wanted to call my baby. Just after she left, I called him. We were talking sweetly, until his dad or someone came and heard him talking and so he changed the subject and started talking about how the cricket game at the parliment with immad and em was. He said he put a sixer. I asked whether he knows how to play cricket and he said he does. I said but I dont. Then he said "Obviously, your a maldivian na. So maldivians wont..." and went on and I was like "Ouch". So he stopped right there and asked me why. Well, what he said he didn't mean it in a bad way. He just tried to say that maldivians are into footie. But I just got hurt okay. What can I do about that? :( I hate it when even for those stuff he differenciates saying "maldivian". Come on! After all, I'm human too. Sometimes I wish the world wasn't divided and there was nothing called race and nationality. The thing is. when he said that, it reminded me of the time when he said "maldivians are like that" that was inbetween a convo that he said that. He said that he too believes that maldivians are bad people. You know, its not that I want to stand up for my country. I would. But not this way. I too believe that the maldivian generation has turned topsy. But you cant be saying that to just every person who is labelled a maldivian. Maybe he calls me that too. Cause of the mistake I made. But you know, I did not do that on purpose. I wish he believed me. But atleast Allah knows. Gosh, and I wish I somehow got outa it. I swear to God, I really was scared that moment. It didn't feel normal. It didn't feel like anything good happened either. Nvm, I don't want to talk about it. But then, I still am proud to say that I am not like the other maldivian girls who on their own are into sex. Those girls have no shyness. Eh gothakahves ladhu vethi kameh nei. I am not like that. I know that fah sure. They have all the gutts to wear the shortest thing on earth even. But I cant do that. And I never will. Anyways, its just sad to know that his kinda against me. Although his with me, his not really happy with me. That's what makes me feel uncomfortable. That's what makes me think that I'm not for him. Because definetly, definetly he deserves better.
So anyways, after he said that, it shut off my mood. I couldn't talk properly at all. I was hurt inside. So hurt. And then he was like "Your dumb!" and ouch! :( I know I am dumb. I really am. But aaaah :( It also reminded me when sheshani said it. "Your dumb!" He said it exactly the way she did. He thinks that getting hurt for what he said was stupid. It maybe stupid, but dude, they are my feelings. I can't deny em. See, I told you imma very sensitive person. And my sensitivity may go to the level of being dumb. Sigh. Anyways, this is one of the reasons why I don't like to show my feelings. I'll be outta place. People will be like, "Your just weird" or maybe "She's so not cool". But you know, the weird part, I like. I like being weird I guess. I think that's cool. lol. Anyway, after that, he said that I'm just like other girls. And that hurt me bad :( I just hung up. And ran to my room. We were texting and argueing that way. My head was as if it was gonna blast. It was so bad that I couldn't open my eyes. I lay on my bed and fell asleep with hurt and by watchin the sunset that took place outside my window.
When I woke up, I saw the messages he had sent, saying that he was online talking to Tmap and all. I couldn't get online that time cause I was soo weak. My knees were creaking and legs shaky. Then I knew I defintely couldn't get off the bed. I told him that I wasn't feeling too well so i can't get online. To that came no reply. I thought atleast he would check up on me. But he didn't. Sigh. I waited for a lil longer. Still no message. I couldn't wait any longer. I missed him, yet I was hurt. But I got online, and we spoke. The convo went upto nowhere and got worse. He seemed all happy and okay. but the thing is, I hadn't recovered. You know, I too have temper. Temper problems. Its like this for me, when I'm happy, I'm really happy. When I'm sad, I'm really sad. and when I'm angry, I'm really angry. The other thing is, when I'm really hurt, and if it takes too long, it changes to anger. :S I know I seriously am complicated and really weird. That's why I don't mind being called that. lol. Anyway, this particular time, I was hurt and it had changed to anger. And I've a secret. That is, Sadam can actually control my anger. Cause I've noticed that. Like if he talks to me nicely and try to calm me down, it works. I may not calm down right at that moment. But it happens slowly, and eventually I turn out to be okay. but the thing is, he can't stand me. He gets mad when I'm not okay, and he keeps saying all sorts of things. And that way, I get really worked up and I say worse things that I don't mean. But most of the time, I just control so much cause I know if i go to saying bull, we get worse. But its just that sometimes I loose control :( Sigh.
Today itself I told him what the doc said, that I was on stress. Stress somehow has some connection with my liver, kidney and brain. Obviously right. When I keep thinking so much and getting hurt and angry, it affects my brain so much. Noone knows how much it hurts. Do you know that, when Sadam dumped me and when I cried soo much, my chest hurt so bad. I couldn't breathe. That's cause of the asthma shit. :@ It's that bad! and my stomach starts hurting and aaah.. I don't know what not.
You know, Sadam is my whole life. Seriously. It's like his having my heart with him right in his hand. Its as if when he gets mad, he squashes it. Just imagine that happening. That's how hard my heart hurts when we have an issue. Whenever he isn't okay with me, everything else goes bad too. Like, me and mummy also go bad too. Just now also me and mummy had a big argument. She told me to eat, and I didn't go. Then she got mad. And I went. When I went, she hadn't mixed and kept for me. Then I got mad and said I wont eat. and came up. She got really mad, she came and took my phone. I got extra pissed, I went to her like she was noone to me and told her to gimme my phone back, and tried to take it from her. Although I say it this way, it was horrible to witness. I didn't seem pleasant. I can't believe I did sucha thing. It was not me. Something got into me. Shaitan messed with my head really badly. Oh man. It was so bad. She didn't gimme the phone even. She told me to eat then she will give. I said I will eat whatever I want to. I went to the pantry table, I didn't even sit, I just grabbed a rotti and dipped it into the fish curry bowl and finished the rotti. And I went to mummy and told her to give it NOW! She said to have my medz then. I said I don't have any medz to take anymore. Then she took me and showed me the medz. And I had no choice but to take em cause I had to get my phone back. It was just horrible. I couldn't believe it was me. This anger thing has really got into me. No! Its not that. Its the stress. Cause, when the doc told me about the liver and kidney problem, I was so sad :( I was lying on the bed there, when he did acupuncher on me. And he went for awhile, and I teared. I can't believe what I've done to myself. :( :( I wish I died when I was young. I really wish that. That way, I wouldn't have destroyed anyones life. Or even mine.
Today I when I told Sadam about this, obviously he didn't seem happy to hear about what the doc said. And he was thinking about a load of things, he was weirdly quite. For those seconds, I was just thinking, now after hearing all of this, he might be thinking "How could I live with her?" and all this could be a reason to leave me again. :( I'm just so scared of loosing him once again. Oh man. That's my greatest fear. If he goes, then there will be no life in me. And I know, that I wouldn't survive. Without him, I defintly wouldn't. :( I love you so much Sadam! I love you so much! I wish my heart could speak and tell you how much. To show you how much, I wish I could pour out my blood. And if that was possible, my heart would be empty. All the blood would pour out for him. Thats how much I love him! I wish I could be the perfect girl for him :'( I wish I could be the girl he saw in his dreams. I can't believe I'm crying while typing this. I just love him so much! I wish Allah shows him that. If Sadam wants me to cry buckets to show him how much I love him, I will do that! I will cry him a river. I just need to be with him. And I just need him to want me.
Today when we spoke online, we were not going well. Later, he said for me to talk when I'm back to my senses and that he has to go in awhile. I just left it without saying anything, just looking at the screen, waiting till he says something, when I actually should have, I didn't say anything cause I too know that I wouldn't say anything sensible and if I do say anything, I would be hurting him. I don't want to do that. But while I waited doing nothing when I should have, he went. :( I felt so sad. and I thought to myself that I should have said something to get back happy and make it better. It was in my hands. But it was too late. He was gone :( So i closed the window and was going to put his song and that's when he came online and I was sooo happy. I wanted to talk normal and get back happy. But he said "errrm" as if he wanted to say something. And I told him to say it but unfortunately he forgot. And that way, we went back to argueing somehow. He actually went there this time. Sigh. And he didn't give me a chance to say something to make it right. Cause everytime he said something, it was something hurtful that I got hurt. And I kept saying worse, to defend myself for the moment. But always in the end, I get sick of defending myself when I know that I'm useless and everyone knows that so what defense is there to make. Sigh.

Anyways, I'm not feeling well. And mums coming up and she would scold me if I'm here. So I'll write to you tomorrow and let you know how its all going ok. Thanks. Tgc hugx mwahs :)

Lots of Love,
Kaboom Krunch =]

Sigh

Heey.. How are yah?
Im sorry I couldn't keep in touch wid you these days. Just been busy and had no time to catch up with you. Well, I've got loads to update you on. Hmm.. There's this thing bugging me. I just got onto Sadams fb, and just saw that he had chat with some girl called Nimeshi from lyceum. And to me, it seems like shes from lyceum wattala. Which obviously should be a friend of Sahani (Sadam's ex). :S ouch! You know, he keeps saying that I'm after Ibulhu and all that bull which obviously is NOT true, and he keeps talking to her friends. Sigh. Ok.. maybe he didn't talk to her about Sahani. But STILL! You see, I don't even TALK to my other friends. I don't even talk to Ibulhu's friends although they are my friends. Cause it's just weird. Okay. Now I feel really awkward and kinda hurt. You know wat, one of my friends recently told me that, there should be a limit for trusting a guy. And if the guy knows that I trust him fully, then there is a possibility that he can do anything else that includes in breaking the rules. That's kinda true you know. Well, I'm not saying that Sadam is like that. But he does know that I trust him. But now there's a barrier for me trusting him, after that previous incident earlier. I'm really scared that I'll loose him. And he goes on about me saying that I must be talking to Ibulhu and having feelings for that ass. Arrghh! I hate when he says that :@ But maybe, just maybe, what if Sadam actually remembers Sahani. or maybe someone else. Don't you think of those sometimes. Well, i usually try not to. But after seeing that he spoke to this woman, I don't know what they spoke, but whatever he did..Arrgh nvm :( You know, after he gave me his password, everytime he gets on fb and chats with a person, he erases the chat history. I know he does that. So who knows whether he talks to some other woman, and 'flirts' with her and just closes the chat. Sigh. I don't know. I don't want to even believe that. But sometimes I have to think of those. If i don't, what if it really comes out true and then I'll be the one whose fooled. Aiii.. Every single time I get fooled with guys. It's so easy for them. And when I said that, I mean, I am always the faithful one, now and even before. I hope I don't get fooled this time. The before shit doesn't count anymore. But this relationship, I am really into. And would do anything to keep it going. And I pray to God, that he is faithful. :( I'm really worried.

You know what, todays a good day. But I am really really hurt inside about so many things that right now I'm tearing :( Well, if you wanna know the reasons then here goes:
#1: Because I can't go tomorrow with Sadam and his gang to the parliment grounds :(
#2: Because I aint pretty.
#3: Because of Sadams fb gurl thing.

Well.. now i don't need to explain about the third reason. But lemme explain the other two. The first reason: Well, Immad and all had planned to go to the parliment grounds to play cricket. I hate cricket buh who gives a damn. SADAMS GOING! and the best part is, Suhayls going. Suhayl has a bike. Which means that I can go for a ride with Sadam on the bike. IV BEEN DIEING FOR THAT!!! I just love going on the bike. And going with him will be perfect :) And I can't do that. I wonder when that dream would come true. Sigh.
And the second reason: Well, I don't like to talk about it, honestly. Its just that, today when I went for Dhatha's graduation, and when I took a pic of Dhatha with her friends. Some lady teachers and parents were around. And they were asking Dhatha and everyone how they were and all. They were confused when they saw me in the crowd. And so I said "I'm Dhauha's sister." and they were like "oh! soo different na?" Hmm.. I've heard that like A BUZZILLION times. I know I know. Its the same thing over and over again. Shes the pretty one and I'm the ugly one. Sigh. Ok, now you think I'm jealous? Correction there! I have never been jealous of my sister. I've seen other sisters being jealous of their own sisters. Like when Naako was jealous of Nanni's looks. But I have never been jealous of Dhatha. Its just that its disappointing that I am horrible looking. First of all, look at the state of me. Spots, spots and spots all over :( Noone in the family is like me. I have to just suffer with sucha skin and I hate it. It hurts. It just hurts so bad. *tears rolling down my cheek* It terribly sucks. And do you know how embarassing it is? Do you? :( Noone would understand. NOONE! You know, I've never complained about this before. I just keep it in my heart and try my best not to think about it. Cause I believe that imma creation of Allah and complaining on the way he has created me is a very bad thing. I'm supposed to be grateful. But hey, I've kept it in for sixteen years now, and nothing changes. I just keep trying on things to make it go. It just doesn't. Its freaking soo embarassing. I remember the day, at school when Sadam pointed on a spot on his hand. I somehow knew that he would get to some point about my spots, and i was pretty embarassed when he was talking about that cause I've got spots and I didn't know what to say to him. I stayed quiet and tried to change the topic. But he just kept coming back to it. :( Then he said "You've got those, it must be spreading and coming to me too" and i was like :O right on my face! :O soo freaking hurt. but I didn't show. and then he kept saying that. I kept telling him that it doesn't spread. I still tried to change the topic. But it didn't work. In the end, when he said it once more, I got so hurt, could't bare hearing it, I just stopped doing what I was doing, took my bag and said "Then why don't you go to someone who doesn't have it?" and I just went off. Tears rolled down as I walked by. I just needed to stay alone, scream and cry aloud, but I was at school, so I couldn't. He realized what he had said, he realized it hurt me bad. And he ran to say sorry. but I kept rejecting. But I knew he felt it. But not as much as I did. But still he felt it. Not everyone would care that way. Atleast that's what I feel. Not everyone would want to be with a horrible person like me with a horrible personality and also horrible looks. But he did. That's what put a smile on my face and made me feel better. And that very day, that very time, we made up. And he asked me to be with him..forever. It was because of what I witnessed that very day that made me promise. Because of all of this I realized that he loved me :) But upto now he still thinks that I promised to be with him because he forgave me for my past. Thats not all the reason that I did it for. He just doesn't know all of this stories that I told you.
You know, I have these stupid acne pimples on my face now. Its been a year that I got it. Two years back. I happily looked at the mirror and said "I'm lucky I don't have pimples" lol. I used to have smooth skin on my face, until people started complimenting me always "Ruby moonu haadha reechey" "Ruby moonu haadha saafey" "Ruby moonah kihinei hadhany" "Ruby facial hedhytha" 'ruby bla bla bla bla'. Gosh it seemed nice to hear.lol.but it was so annoying too. It was after that it was ruined:( Maama and mummy also said it maybe evil eye that now my face isn't proper like before:( Its horrible. I mean, I myself feel uncomfortable to look at me. Damns, its annoying.
I don't have proper hair :( It falls like hell. I don't really like it. If I was pretty then it would have been okay. But the thing is, I'm not, and it doesn't stay the way I want it. I like it, but not really :S You know, girls usually go to the toilets to fari hadhan.lol. Like to make their hair and all. But I aint like that. I usually go to wash my face, wash my hands, to plait my hair (due to school rules) or just for the sake of it. While I'm in there, these girls keep talking about how they hate their hair face, a pimple etc and I'm just looking at them but not complaining. I just don't complain cause they bluff alot. For example:
Them: "Arrrgh! I hate my hair. Its looks just so weird"
Me: "I hate my hair too!"
Them: "Oh shuddup Ruby! You've got gorgous hair. But mines just messed up."
LOL!!
See see.. That's what would eventually happen cause I've seen it happen.lol. And it's just so annoying -.-

Anyways, you know what, I feel a lot better by telling you these.lol. But I guess it would still be there in my head forever. Sigh. But still, for the time being I'm okay :D Thanks to you. You made me feel alot better.lol. You know, I usually don't share my stories to people who don't gimme feedback. You don't either. lol. But then, if you did, I know that you'll be saying the EXACT thing that everyone else would say to make me feel better. So I think its a good thing that you can't talk.lol. Cause I wouldn't even bother listening to you =P haha xD
Imma go to bed now. Hope tomorrow's gonna be a good day. I was supposed to go the doc with mum tomorrow but the doc aint available. So I guess I'll be going for a little shopping with mummy. Shopping with the little money I got :D
Okies.. to much of writing today.lol. It took me two hours.lol. Okies. Goodnight. Tgc hugx mwah! Tweet Dreams yo! Peace out =P lol

Lots of Love,
Kaboom Krunch =]

Back to where we were!

Heeyyy!!
I missed you! lol. Im sorry I couldn't write to you sooner. My sister was using the computer. Shes been using it like forever. Cause shes got to finish her project and give it in by Monday. Anyways, how have you been? Cause I have been AWESOME :D
Everything has gone back to normal. Alhamdhulillah :) I'm so happy about that. I hope it always stays this way. As I woke up today, I called my love and spoke to him for hours :D Aaah! I just love doing that. Oh and do you know, he wanted to read this blog. But I didn't want to give it. It's like totally charterrr then, and now that he read it I'm feeling kinda shy. :$ Cause he saw everything. But its aight. Hehe. He aint gonna read anymore. Now all my stories just between you and mee :D and it's a secret. Noone knows about this. Heehe..
I made him listen to the song 'Ordinary People' by John Legend. Have you heard it? lol. I'm sure you have =P It's all over the net. Yah, it's an amazing song. And I think it's the PERFECT song for him and I. and also 'Love Like This' by Natasha Bedingfield ft. Sean Kingston. That's awesome too. I pretty much enjoyed today. Except that I kinda got mummy hurt. Cause she told me to get ready to go out. I asked where. She said to the docs. I asked her who shes taking to show to the doc. And I heard like she said "Taking maama to the doc." But I didn't wanna go. I wanted to stay back and talk to my baby boy. So I told her I aint going. BUT in the end, she was just going alone to show one of maama's medical stuff to the doc. She wanted me to join with her and have fun on the way. lol. But then there was not enough time then to get ready anyways. I felt sad cause she was kinda hurt. But then, I kept my baby with company :D So it was kinda okay.
Hmm.. What else happened? There's too much that happened over the phone with me and him. But sorry, I can't tell you all of that =P It's called "Private Love Talk" :D Anyway, I had to go for class around 7. And I MISSED HIM A HELL OVA LOT AT CLASS. Sigh. It sucked. I couldn't even text him properly. Cause if Miss Chamalee found out, she would have given me nicely. Obviously it's not nice to be with the phone at that time. But haha, it was funny, whenever she goes away, I quickly take the phone and trying to type, but I'm scared if she comes and I get busted, and with that fright I keep pressing wrong keys. lol. And when she comes, I quickly keep the phone away somehow. Like acting you know =P But I nearly got busted man! She kinda saw! But didn't make it an issue. I don't know why though. Maybe cause imma gooooooood girl :D lol. Sadam texted me saying that I got on from facebook. I was like O.o how the hell could I get online when I'm at class. Oh!!!! I get it. I just remembered. DHATHA! What if it was her? Maybe! It could be! Oh ok.. you don't know about it do you. Well Dhatha is .. my sister :) When shes near the pc, she used to keep asking me if she could go through my fb, and see her friends stuff. Cause her friends are on my profile too. And dhatha gets updated from my fb. She doesn't have a fb anymore. She doesn't want one. So, the thing is, she used to keep on asking me very often if I could log onto my fb and if she could check. She used to ask me realllyyy often. So oneday, when she asked me, I got annoyed. lol. Cause while I'm watching tv down, I have to come all the way upstairs and type my password and go down again. So what I did was, I just gave her my password. So now she knows it. And she gets on it too. But I've told her to ASK ME before she gets on it. It could be her. Wait I'll ask. lol... Hey!! It was her -.- What the hell. -.- She couldn't even answer me. She knew I would scold her. lol. She's like "Urrrmmm...Yah i did check it only for a few minutes" >.>
Now what's baby gonna say to me. He will think it's me and all -.- And he would get mad. Hmm.. I should just tell him :D Yah.. I'll tell him tomorrow.

Hmm.. I wanna tell you just once more, that... HIS THE MOST AMAZING PERSON THAT I'VE EVER MET AND I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART :D and His the one I've loved the moooooooooooost :D Aaaaaaaaah!! Noone else is in other than fah him :D
Heehee.. I knoww.. I seriously am crazy about him. But I seriously don't know about him. I mean, I don't know whether he is. Well, he does love me. A little. But not to the extend of being crazy. But what I do know is that, with his past crush's and ex, he was like totally into them. That's what I've seen from what I've seen.lol. Like the messages he had written to them in his fb inbox. Ohh..!! HE STILL HAS THOSE :O
Sigh. I can't believe he still has those. Even when he has the time he doesn't bother to delete. Sigh. See what I mean. But atleast I know he doesn't read em. Atleast I think he doesn't. You know, there were these comments that I saw on his pics that his ex had commented. And I complained to him oneday that it's still there. He asked me to delete -.- I told him to. And till now, he still hasn't. I am not gonna make a fuss. Am just gonna wait and see when his gonna do that. I've told him once. And if his mindful, he would do it. Oh! and also, after the scene with zainab, i was soo mad, and on HIS OWN, he came to the conclusion that he will delete all the girls from his fb. And yet, he hasn't bothered to do that. Sigh. He just says it for the moment and bam! For him, there after it's gone. But what he doesn't realize is, I remember every word that he mentions and it's still in my head. I don't want to keep reminding him. Then it doesn't seem right, does it? I mean, if he says something that he will do or he will not, then he should stick to what he says. Sigh. I don't know. But imma wait and see how that bit is gonna work out. Maybe the day he loves me as much as I do, he will =] I'll just have to wait till then.

Anyway, Imma go to sleep now. Tired. And I've to go and write his messages in my "his message book" hehe :) Now it's like a daily routine for me. Been doing that since the first day we started texting :D and I love it :D
Okies then, goodnight. Sweet dreams. Sleep tight. Dont let the bed bugs bite xD

Lots of Love,
Kaboom Krunch =]

The good won =]

Hiya page..lol
Well today turned out to be a better day than yesterday :) Alhamdhulillah! Everything that happened ended well. But I know its still there in his heart and mine too. Sigh. When will it all vanish and let us be in peace? I don't mind fights, but atleast make up the same day. We used to be like that. But now, neither of us have control over the fight. Or maybe we do, but don't realize :S
Anyways, I went for math class at school today. I went a bit late. It was just after i went into the class that he arrived too. It was quite weird =P the math teacher had a weird look about it. Yah so, I had been having his calculator since withdrawal exams were over. So i returned it today. I just passed it over to him. After class was over, he came upto me and gave the prison break CD's. I didn't even look him in the eye. I was so hurt about everything. I refused to take the CD. But i felt bad. He asked me again "Are you sure you don't want it?" I couldn't make up my mind. But then I realized that, all these days he said that he had been bringing the CD's along with him just to hand them over to me and if I refused to take it, obviously he would have got mad and badly hurt. It took me quick seconds to realize that. I was just thinking if I were him how i would feel. That way I got my answer. So i accepted the CD's and walked away expecting him to come behind me and try to talk to me. But he didn't. Instead I walked along the corridor all by myself. Depressed!
But the best part is, I gave him the Scooby Doo today :D And wanna know how it all happened? Okay. Here's how it happened. I had Scooby in my bag. I told Shalla about it. Luckily, I was sitting next to her :D and she and I sneakingly put it into her bag. Once class was over shes like "Ruby, How do I put it into his bag. His carrying a small bag" lol. She told me to look. I was like "If i look, he will know I'm looking." lol. Cause, I didn't want it to be obvious that I'm looking at him especially when we aren't talking. Hehe. I miss him. But when I'm angry and hurt and all, I just don't want to show all that. And it takes time to show it out again. Anyways, back to the topic. Shalla had noway of getting his bag to put Scooby. So I told her to ask Suleik to help her. He can snatch Sadam's bag and put it in. And thats what he did. He somehow got Sadam's bag and Shalla and him got the Scooby in :)
My baby didn't even know there was anything in there. Scooby was wet as I had washed it again =] to be hygenic.lol. Yah and when I was leaving I sent Sadam a text saying that "its wet. Just dry it and it wont take too long." He thought I was referring to his calculator. Its hilarious :)
We were texting and argueing till noon. But somehow, got back to our senses and were okay. Much, much later while he was getting ready to go for basketball, that's when he checked his bag to take out his books and he saw the Scooby :) and it was a total shock for him. Lucky for me, he was happy about it :) and seemed like he absolutely LOVED it =]
Its unbelievable :) He is such a marvelous guy! Aaah man :) I just don't know how more to explain my love for him. And you know, in the letter that i wrote for him, I said that I was waiting for the right time to give him the gift. Yah, I've been trying to find the right time. But the right time never came. As we always have fights and keep argueing and it goes on forever. Sigh. BUT I felt that, today was seriously the right time that I gave it to him :) I realized..that, you shouldn't really wait for the right time for something to happen. But go for it. And when you do, then it's called the right time =]

Anyway, today was pretty good. Thankfully =] Maybe because I prayed. I have to keep praying more. But he has stopped praying. Which is a really bad thing. Should start pushing him to that again :D
Imma go to bed now. *yawn* I'm pretty much sleepy tonight. Okies. I'll talk to you soon :D you tc! hugs. Thanks for listening =]

Lots of Love,
Kaboom Krunch =]

A horrible day:(

Heyloo :)
Well this place is going to be my notebook. Or rather, my dairy :) I don't really like writing on paper anymore cause I cant trust anyone around. Who knows who might read it. And over here, hopefully noone will know its me =]

Well, Im having a really hard time at the moment. Its just today. I bet today was the second most horrible fight that him and I have ever had. Oh and btw, this so called "HIM" of mine, is the person that I'm soooo deeply in love with. The person who has lifted me up when I was TOTALLY down. And who helped me walk the footsteps when I was unable to move a leg :) His the most amazing person that I've so far met. And I admire him ardently :) Theres both good and bad news about this person. Which one do you want to hear first? Hmm.. The bad? Thought so. Urrm..He HATES me from the PIT BOTTOM of his heart :( BUT the good news is that, his my boyfriend :D and still is, considering the number of times that he has dumped me. Sigh.

Well about today, I couldn't control myself one bit :( It was terrible. I swore at him as if his some unknown person to me. I feel terrible about it. I wont forgive myself for that. It was a horrible thing I did. C'mon, he was MY MOST loved one. Who could ever talk to your most beloved like that. Sigh. But his said worse. But that doesn't mean I have to right? I hope not to do that again. Insha Allah =]
But anyway, it started off while he was chatting with me from MSN. And i told him that one of his friends and him were the only one online from my ID. Its because of him that i use this new ID that iv made before but NEVER even touched it. I told him who was online just so that he would raise his trust upon me. Well, he just doesn't trust me because of my "past issues" that i hate to talk about. Sigh. Please don't ask me about it. If I ever remember it, I'll think of killing myself again. But thanks to God, I cant do that.
So anyway, he asked me if I wanted to switch to my other ID just so that I could chat with other people -.- I kinda got ticked off. Obviously. I mean.. ouch :( Besides, even if I get on that doesn't mean that I chat with others. I don't even bother. Its only him that I'm bothered to chat with. Sigh. Oh and you know what, the issue came out cause some girl who I thought was a friend (but actually isn't) has told him crap. She has like totally changed some stuff. Gosh. Maybe she seriously didn't like me being with Sadam. Hmm.. Cause once she told me that she was trying to set one of her friends with him. Cause Sadam was a close bud of her boyfriend and she thought it would be cool if 'her friend' and Sadam were hooked up. I was like :O and kinda got hurt. But hey, luckily it didn't happen right :) Insha Allah, God always makes things happen the good way =] and i know he put me and Sadam together for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. But God never tells us to breakup. That so aint a reason. Thats an excuse that humans come up with.
So anyway, he told me the story and the story was that, there was this day that she came to my place. and i had showed her my ex's pics. She also told him that I was chatting with a load of guys. Wtf! ok ok.. Thinking about this, my temper goes up :@
But, Imma tell you, althought you cant talk and have no way of helping me and nothing at all changes. Sigh. Atleast you hear me out. lol.
Yah so, this so called 'horrible person' came to my place many a time. About three times I persume. The first day she came, she was so inquisitive and that was the day that she asked me to show my ex's pics. I had NO CLUE which folder it was even. Cause i hate to look into it. And she pretty much begged, like indirectly saying that I'm useless that I can't show. So i searched for the folder and showed her the few pictures that were saved. And the thing is, that was NOT the time that I was going out with my precious boyfriend. This was the first time she came that i showed. and then it was all over. After that also she came. and maybe the second or third time she came, after she did, she told Sadam about the olden day story. Man this is so complicated. And now this is like a major big thing between us :( She created an unwanted fight. I'm sure there should be more twists that she had made in all the stories or whatever she has told him. Even lately, when she and her boyfriend were trying to split us up, she had changed a whole bunch of the stories in the past. I cant believe why Sadam's still falling for all that bull. HE doesn't believe a WORD I say :( But why?! Does she mean more to him than me? Hmm.. I've no clue. I could have gone about alot of things about him too.
Like recently, my friend told me that he chatted with her and had FLIRTED with her. It wasn't just a little. There wasn't a limit for it. It had gone too far. But when I asked Sadam, he said that it must have been his neighboor who visits him quite alot. I asked Zainab when it happened and she said three days ago. When i asked him, he said about four. It was quite a good answer. But not good enough to make me believe him because, apparently (lets say it was his neighboor) this guy knew malay, and couldn't differentiate zainab and zahara (and Sadam cant too) and said that he didn't see her at the basketball match and knows about the dancing competition and knows about MY FLAT ASS :O ok, now thats too much for just a 'neighboor' to know!
So yah, but still considering all this, I still try to make some part of my heart believe him. Sigh.

So yah, the big issue is still on. I don't really know what to do. All I know is that I've never lied or even tried to lie to Sadam. If he asks me something, then I tell him truthfully. I really love him with all my heart. And there's noone else for me. I just love him sooo much. I wish he ever understood that. And I wish he believed me. I really wish. But I guess, its my bad luck. Tough luck Ruby! Your just born unlucky. Its okay :( Some kind of good will happen right?

Anyway, Sadam and I are not in good terms. I'm really hurt to even talk to him. I'm seriously really really hurt. and I'm sure he is too. Well obviously he would be hurt, if he keeps listening to that BITCH! :@ Oh and do you know that, some day when I went to her place, she wanted to show me her ex. And she did, and shes like "Outta all my boyfriends he was the most goodlooking" and I was like "Urrm..okaaay." I felt so awkward :S I could be making those stuff a big thing and ruining her relationship. But dude, in my placement, I havn't done a crime :( I wasn't even going out with Sadam that time. AAAAaaahh! :( Why does she have to exaggerate so much! She just has to come inbetween me and Sadam. I always knew she had some sort oh hate in me. Well actually everyone does :(
So does Sadam :( It hurts so bad. But then, I'm soo in love with him, I want to give him whatever I can. And I've done all he wanted for me to change. But still, he tries to find faults in me. Maybe I'm just not good enough. Maybe oneday I should just leave. Maybe that's what he really wants. But he feels ashamed to say it cause it will hurt me. But he should tell me right :( He deserves so much better. I shouldn't have ever stepped into his life. I wonder why God made me come in. There ought to be a reason. But what is it? To ruin him more? Havn't I given him enough hell? Whatever I do noone in this world would appreciate. So then what am I supposed to do?
Maybe I'm just supposed to find my way out. But I cant leave him just like that. I wont. I'll find a way for this. I'll find a solution. But how?

and can you believe it, TODAY HE ADMITTED HE HATES ME! :'( :'( :'(
It hurts so bad to know that. I know he thinks exactly what everyone else does too. But I don't know why he backed me up. Why his still with me. Maybe he does love me. But a little. Sigh. I really don't know. God has to give me answers to these. All I know is that imma useless person. And I am damn sure of that. :(

Oh and tomorrow, we have math class. And I'm going. I've got a gift for Sadam. But you think I should give it? First of all, wanna know what it is? Its SCOOBY DOO :D
Well, i thought of giving it, cause, i got attracted to it :) It's pretty cute. And strong and handsome just like Sadam =] but at the same time, scared and shy :)
But the prob is, he doesn't like toy kinda stuff. I don't think he will like it :( But i got it just for him. I hope he likes it. But i hope he doesn't lie about liking it. Then its gonna hurt me bad. He should just tell me noh? :D
Hmm.. I don't think he will even talk to me. The thing is, both of us are stubborn. lol. and we wait for both of us to talk to each other. Like, I wait till he comes, and he waits till I do. lol. Eventually neither of us gets to talk.lol.
I don't know dear. But I badly want us to work out. I hope we do. Insha Allah =]

Anyways, Imma go sleep now. Really tired. I'm still sick. My heads jacked up! And I've got to have dinner too. Especially cause I'm sick. But the thing is cause of all this I can't eat. I can't eat when I'm upset :( But imma try. Otherwise Mummy will eat my head. Tgc hugs mwah. Thanks for listening to all my bull :) *hug*

Lots of Love,
Kaboom Krunch =]