An everyday issue

Hiii.. How are yah? If your gonna be asking me the same question, then I'll have to say I'm not okay at all. I went to the doc today. We actually went to show the acne on my face. And he told me to lie on the bed. Then he told me to stick my tongue out. When I did, he looked in and said that I have kidney and liver problem :O and that obviously is due to lack of food and water. Few days back mummy too told me that I will have to suffer from sicknesses like that. And now I am witnessing it already, not even a week after that. The doc had some kind of small instrument that looks kinda like the instrument that is used to check pressure and sugar. The ear has all the nerves in the body. I mean, it goes from the ear flap, to the brain. So he places the detector on a nerve on the ear and tells whats wrong with me. He asked me if i have hair loss, back problem, lung or breathing problem such as asthma, knee pain, or even join pain, severe headache and blackouts such as migraine, and also said that I have an irregular menstrual cycle. The answer to all that is a yes. I have all of that :( He said the reason to all of this and to the acne problem too is because I have liver and kidney problem. He said that I have to be careful of sugar cause I will get it. My grandma has it too. But mummy doesnt. Which means it has skipped a generation and I will have it. He said to be careful. He also said to breathe lots of air and drink tonnes of water. Atleast three litres a day for a start. And also said that they are both free resources so to use them as much as possible :) Oh and he also said that I have so much of stress. Whether it was because of studies or boyfriend problems? :O I quickly answered "Studies!". MUMMY WAS RIGHT THERE! :S
When I came home, I was having an okay day. Me and mummy were going well, so were me and Sadam until the time when I was supposed to go out with mummy but I stayed back saying that I cant go cause I'm tired.But the real reason was because I wanted to call my baby. Just after she left, I called him. We were talking sweetly, until his dad or someone came and heard him talking and so he changed the subject and started talking about how the cricket game at the parliment with immad and em was. He said he put a sixer. I asked whether he knows how to play cricket and he said he does. I said but I dont. Then he said "Obviously, your a maldivian na. So maldivians wont..." and went on and I was like "Ouch". So he stopped right there and asked me why. Well, what he said he didn't mean it in a bad way. He just tried to say that maldivians are into footie. But I just got hurt okay. What can I do about that? :( I hate it when even for those stuff he differenciates saying "maldivian". Come on! After all, I'm human too. Sometimes I wish the world wasn't divided and there was nothing called race and nationality. The thing is. when he said that, it reminded me of the time when he said "maldivians are like that" that was inbetween a convo that he said that. He said that he too believes that maldivians are bad people. You know, its not that I want to stand up for my country. I would. But not this way. I too believe that the maldivian generation has turned topsy. But you cant be saying that to just every person who is labelled a maldivian. Maybe he calls me that too. Cause of the mistake I made. But you know, I did not do that on purpose. I wish he believed me. But atleast Allah knows. Gosh, and I wish I somehow got outa it. I swear to God, I really was scared that moment. It didn't feel normal. It didn't feel like anything good happened either. Nvm, I don't want to talk about it. But then, I still am proud to say that I am not like the other maldivian girls who on their own are into sex. Those girls have no shyness. Eh gothakahves ladhu vethi kameh nei. I am not like that. I know that fah sure. They have all the gutts to wear the shortest thing on earth even. But I cant do that. And I never will. Anyways, its just sad to know that his kinda against me. Although his with me, his not really happy with me. That's what makes me feel uncomfortable. That's what makes me think that I'm not for him. Because definetly, definetly he deserves better.
So anyways, after he said that, it shut off my mood. I couldn't talk properly at all. I was hurt inside. So hurt. And then he was like "Your dumb!" and ouch! :( I know I am dumb. I really am. But aaaah :( It also reminded me when sheshani said it. "Your dumb!" He said it exactly the way she did. He thinks that getting hurt for what he said was stupid. It maybe stupid, but dude, they are my feelings. I can't deny em. See, I told you imma very sensitive person. And my sensitivity may go to the level of being dumb. Sigh. Anyways, this is one of the reasons why I don't like to show my feelings. I'll be outta place. People will be like, "Your just weird" or maybe "She's so not cool". But you know, the weird part, I like. I like being weird I guess. I think that's cool. lol. Anyway, after that, he said that I'm just like other girls. And that hurt me bad :( I just hung up. And ran to my room. We were texting and argueing that way. My head was as if it was gonna blast. It was so bad that I couldn't open my eyes. I lay on my bed and fell asleep with hurt and by watchin the sunset that took place outside my window.
When I woke up, I saw the messages he had sent, saying that he was online talking to Tmap and all. I couldn't get online that time cause I was soo weak. My knees were creaking and legs shaky. Then I knew I defintely couldn't get off the bed. I told him that I wasn't feeling too well so i can't get online. To that came no reply. I thought atleast he would check up on me. But he didn't. Sigh. I waited for a lil longer. Still no message. I couldn't wait any longer. I missed him, yet I was hurt. But I got online, and we spoke. The convo went upto nowhere and got worse. He seemed all happy and okay. but the thing is, I hadn't recovered. You know, I too have temper. Temper problems. Its like this for me, when I'm happy, I'm really happy. When I'm sad, I'm really sad. and when I'm angry, I'm really angry. The other thing is, when I'm really hurt, and if it takes too long, it changes to anger. :S I know I seriously am complicated and really weird. That's why I don't mind being called that. lol. Anyway, this particular time, I was hurt and it had changed to anger. And I've a secret. That is, Sadam can actually control my anger. Cause I've noticed that. Like if he talks to me nicely and try to calm me down, it works. I may not calm down right at that moment. But it happens slowly, and eventually I turn out to be okay. but the thing is, he can't stand me. He gets mad when I'm not okay, and he keeps saying all sorts of things. And that way, I get really worked up and I say worse things that I don't mean. But most of the time, I just control so much cause I know if i go to saying bull, we get worse. But its just that sometimes I loose control :( Sigh.
Today itself I told him what the doc said, that I was on stress. Stress somehow has some connection with my liver, kidney and brain. Obviously right. When I keep thinking so much and getting hurt and angry, it affects my brain so much. Noone knows how much it hurts. Do you know that, when Sadam dumped me and when I cried soo much, my chest hurt so bad. I couldn't breathe. That's cause of the asthma shit. :@ It's that bad! and my stomach starts hurting and aaah.. I don't know what not.
You know, Sadam is my whole life. Seriously. It's like his having my heart with him right in his hand. Its as if when he gets mad, he squashes it. Just imagine that happening. That's how hard my heart hurts when we have an issue. Whenever he isn't okay with me, everything else goes bad too. Like, me and mummy also go bad too. Just now also me and mummy had a big argument. She told me to eat, and I didn't go. Then she got mad. And I went. When I went, she hadn't mixed and kept for me. Then I got mad and said I wont eat. and came up. She got really mad, she came and took my phone. I got extra pissed, I went to her like she was noone to me and told her to gimme my phone back, and tried to take it from her. Although I say it this way, it was horrible to witness. I didn't seem pleasant. I can't believe I did sucha thing. It was not me. Something got into me. Shaitan messed with my head really badly. Oh man. It was so bad. She didn't gimme the phone even. She told me to eat then she will give. I said I will eat whatever I want to. I went to the pantry table, I didn't even sit, I just grabbed a rotti and dipped it into the fish curry bowl and finished the rotti. And I went to mummy and told her to give it NOW! She said to have my medz then. I said I don't have any medz to take anymore. Then she took me and showed me the medz. And I had no choice but to take em cause I had to get my phone back. It was just horrible. I couldn't believe it was me. This anger thing has really got into me. No! Its not that. Its the stress. Cause, when the doc told me about the liver and kidney problem, I was so sad :( I was lying on the bed there, when he did acupuncher on me. And he went for awhile, and I teared. I can't believe what I've done to myself. :( :( I wish I died when I was young. I really wish that. That way, I wouldn't have destroyed anyones life. Or even mine.
Today I when I told Sadam about this, obviously he didn't seem happy to hear about what the doc said. And he was thinking about a load of things, he was weirdly quite. For those seconds, I was just thinking, now after hearing all of this, he might be thinking "How could I live with her?" and all this could be a reason to leave me again. :( I'm just so scared of loosing him once again. Oh man. That's my greatest fear. If he goes, then there will be no life in me. And I know, that I wouldn't survive. Without him, I defintly wouldn't. :( I love you so much Sadam! I love you so much! I wish my heart could speak and tell you how much. To show you how much, I wish I could pour out my blood. And if that was possible, my heart would be empty. All the blood would pour out for him. Thats how much I love him! I wish I could be the perfect girl for him :'( I wish I could be the girl he saw in his dreams. I can't believe I'm crying while typing this. I just love him so much! I wish Allah shows him that. If Sadam wants me to cry buckets to show him how much I love him, I will do that! I will cry him a river. I just need to be with him. And I just need him to want me.
Today when we spoke online, we were not going well. Later, he said for me to talk when I'm back to my senses and that he has to go in awhile. I just left it without saying anything, just looking at the screen, waiting till he says something, when I actually should have, I didn't say anything cause I too know that I wouldn't say anything sensible and if I do say anything, I would be hurting him. I don't want to do that. But while I waited doing nothing when I should have, he went. :( I felt so sad. and I thought to myself that I should have said something to get back happy and make it better. It was in my hands. But it was too late. He was gone :( So i closed the window and was going to put his song and that's when he came online and I was sooo happy. I wanted to talk normal and get back happy. But he said "errrm" as if he wanted to say something. And I told him to say it but unfortunately he forgot. And that way, we went back to argueing somehow. He actually went there this time. Sigh. And he didn't give me a chance to say something to make it right. Cause everytime he said something, it was something hurtful that I got hurt. And I kept saying worse, to defend myself for the moment. But always in the end, I get sick of defending myself when I know that I'm useless and everyone knows that so what defense is there to make. Sigh.

Anyways, I'm not feeling well. And mums coming up and she would scold me if I'm here. So I'll write to you tomorrow and let you know how its all going ok. Thanks. Tgc hugx mwahs :)

Lots of Love,
Kaboom Krunch =]